


The Great Magnus Bake-Off

by greywolfheir



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Attempt at Humor, M/M, No Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Present Tense, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, what's a POV?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greywolfheir/pseuds/greywolfheir
Summary: Twelve amateur bakers enter the tent for this year's Great British Bake Off. Who will win this season? It's anyone's game!
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	The Great Magnus Bake-Off

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by @rendherring on tumblr, whose gbbo au gave me LIFE but also kept me up at 4am plotting this. It should be noted that I know nothing about baking beyond what's mentioned in the show, so my descriptions will be vague. Also, I'm basing this on my favorite season (it's collection three on US Netflix, not sure what the actual season is). Speaking of which, I'm also American, so please feel free to Brit-Pick for me!
> 
> All that said, I love writing something fluffy instead of angsty, so I hope you all enjoy reading this!

It’s week one of this year’s Bake-Off, and the contestants are raring to go. Well, some of them. Others are extremely stressed. Others...not so much.

“My bakes are a bit random,” says one of them during an interview. His name is Simon. “I can sometimes be baking a cake, and it’ll turn into a meat pie.” He laughs.

Their first bake--as Helen and Michael explain--is a Madeira cake. It’s cake week, and it’s a good way to judge those skills.

Of course, there is no competition without judges, and Elias and Gertrude are the judgiest of them all. They’re in the tent for the first bake, of course, and they’re currently talking to Mike--one of the contestants not to be confused with  _ host _ Michael.

“Tell us what you’re making, Mike,” Gertrude requests.

“So I’m making something inspired by the Caribbean, where I’ve done a lot of work,” Mike says. “So I’ve got quite a bit of ginger in there. And them some lime as well.”

“Good,” Elias says, though the look he gives Mike is piercing.

Elias, of course, is known for being intense, and everyone in the tent knows this. Martin, another contestant, seems particularly aware of this, as he jumps when he realizes Elias, Gertrude and Michael are standing in front of his table. 

“Oh,” he gasps, “I’m so-I’m sorry! Gave me a bit of a scare, there. How are you, then?”

Michael laughs, breaking some of the tension, and Elias barely lifts the corner of his mouth, eyes unblinking.

“We’re well,” Gertrude says. “Now, I see you’ve decided to use some cardamom in this bake?”

“Yes,” Martin says, “I know it’s difficult to use in bakes, but I’ve worked with it a lot over the years.”

“Just be sure the flavor doesn’t come out too strong, hm?” Elias says.

Martin swallows nervously. “Yeah--um, yeah I’ll try.”

As the bakers work, they begin to make their glazes, which can be tricky if you’re not paying attention. Jon, who’s looking at his recipe, doesn’t notice as his glaze begins to smoke. Martin, however, does.

“Jon!” he exclaims. “Careful you don’t burn your--”

“Yes, yes, Martin,” Jon says waving Martin’s hand away from his saucer. “I’ve got it. Thanks  _ very much _ for your input.”

Martin looks affronted at that, and makes a face as he turns back to his bench. Still, it  _ is _ a competition, he supposes.

Soon enough it’s time for tasting. Jon is told his bake is technically perfect but bland by Gertrude. Martin gets generally good reviews. Agnes risked making something with heat to it, but it takes the judges by surprise. Simon...well, Simon’s bake isn’t inedible. As far as everyone else is concerned, they did decently well.

* * *

The technical is announced to be a walnut cake, one of Gertrude’s recipes.

“I...well I don’t want to jinx myself, but I believe I know what I’m doing here,” Basira says as she begins looking at the recipe. “I’m pretty confident on this one.”

The contestants are all hard at work for a while as the challenge continues.

As the camera pans over the contestants, it makes a stop, where Martin is seen staring off into space. Another camera angle shows that he’s actually looking directly at Jon, who’s bent over, looking at his oven. As he stands, and turns to do something else, Martin blinks, and realizes he’s been caught staring by the camera. A blush slowly forms over his face, and he gets back to work.

Outside, in an interview, he’s laughing.

“Yeah, well, I have to admit there are certainly a number of attractive contestants this year,” he admits. As he’s speaking, the camera angles switch between Tim, Mike, and Oliver, but eventually it cuts to a scene in which Helen is watching Daisy mix her batter furiously.

“Daisy,” Helen says, almost casually, “you  _ must _ tell me your work-out routine.”

Daisy shrugs, still mixing. “It’s not much, just what the academy taught me.”

Helen reaches out a hand, only to stop herself just before touching Daisy’s arm. “I--can I just--?”

Daisy looks over and sees Helen’s outstretched hand and shrugs again. Helen feels the muscle there and makes an exaggerated open-mouthed face at the camera.

“Good lord, woman!” Helen chuckles.

Daisy grins down at her mixing bowl, but the camera flicks to a one-second shot of Basira glancing up at the interaction.

Meanwhile, Michael is seen in the middle of an interaction with Melanie. The contestant is furiously chopping walnuts.

“Where did you learn to chop like  _ that _ ?” he asks.

Melanie looks up to give him a grin. “I taught myself to do it at home. Baking has really been a way for me to relieve stress, you know?”

“Makes sense,” Michael agrees with a smile. “Just remind me not to piss you off.”

Melanie grins wickedly at that.

Then, it’s time for the tasting. Gertrude and Elias are critical as ever, and everyone waits with bated breath. Well, some more than others. As they reach Jon’s cake, Jon lets out a small gasp, but is quieted by an elbow-jab from Sasha. Still, when the announcements are made, Jon wins by a landslide.

In twelfth place is Gerard, who is more than a little stressed during his interview.

“Look, I know they’re here to judge us, and they judged me as they saw fit,” he says. “They put me in twelfth and I’m okay with that.” There’s a long pause on Gerard’s face before he cracks and exclaims. “No, of  _ course _ I’m not okay with that! I  _ hate _ being twelfth!”

And then they depart for their hotel, where they’ll be staying the night--no cameras in sight. Martin gets in a car with Tim and Sasha, and sighs.

“Long day?” Tim asks with a broad smile.

Martin puffs out his cheeks when he lets out a breath. “Yeah, but not as bad as I thought, really.”

“Me either,” Sasha says. “I thought I’d be stressed with all those cameras around, but it’s not that bad, really. Almost like they’re not even there.”

Martin blushes as he remembers what the cameras had caught him doing earlier in the day and says nothing.

“Hey, did you notice the way Basira and Jon were talking?” Tim says after they’re quiet for a moment.

“What?” Martin asks.

“Well, when Basira went to go get ingredients during the first bake, I saw the way Jon looked at her, and I just thought maybe there was something there,” Tim explained.

“Really?” Martin asked, his voice a little higher pitched than normal. “I didn’t notice.”

“No, there’s no way,” Sasha interrupted. “I saw the way she and Daisy were making eyes at each other. “Basira’s totally gay. I mean, what straight woman would ignore Mike for Daisy?”

“Okay, yeah,” Tim agreed, “but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing from  _ Jon’s _ end. I mean  _ tell  _ me that’s not the straightest man you’ve ever seen.”

“I don’t know.” Sasha seemed unsure. “I mean, just because a man’s a prick doesn’t make him straight.”

“Jon’s not a prick,” Martin piped up.

Tim and Sasha raised their eyebrows at him but didn’t respond to that.

Instead, Tim said, “ _ Sooo _ , Mike, huh?”

Sasha rolled her eyes. “Shut it, Tim. The man’s  _ obviously _ attractive and anyone with eyes can see that. I mean, did you  _ see _ the shirt he was wearing today, all billowy and half-buttoned?”

Martin didn’t really pay attention to the rest of the conversation, suddenly feeling all the stress of the day weighing on him. When he got to the hotel, he immediately went to sleep.

In the hotel lobby, however, other contestants were still getting on. Jon sat talking with Oliver and Gerard about their plans for their bakes. It was a totally innocuous conversation, but Melanie walked by, and Jon must have made a face, because Gerard pointed it out.

“Got something to say about Melanie, Jon?” he asked.

“Hmm? Oh, no,” Jon said, shaking his head. “I was just thinking about how she makes that YouTube series.”

“What, Ghost Hunt UK?” Oliver asked. “Not a fan of ghost hunters.”

Jon snorted. “Not particularly. Though my ex is one I suppose.”

“Your ex?” Gerry asked, suddenly very interested.

“Um, yes, Georgie does a podcast--it’s small, just got started--called What the Ghost,” Jon said. Then he thought about it. “I wonder if she ever met Melanie.”

Oliver shrugged. “Maybe. I’m not sure how large the ghost-hunting community is.”

They went back to talking about their bakes, and Jon thought nothing of the conversation except a fleeting thought that he should introduce Georgie and Melanie.

* * *

The next morning is the showstopper. All had been practicing all week to get this to be the best they could bake, and there is nothing stopping them from working their hardest. That is, as the camera shows, except for a little flour.

Martin sputters as the flour in his mixing bowl puffs up and into his face, covering his glasses. Behind him, Jon can be seen snickering behind his hand.

Still, it is a stressful time, as everyone works hard on their Black Forest Gateau's. Everyone, it seems, except Simon.

“Excuse me, dear chap,” Simon is saying to Jon. “Would you mind terribly helping me find the chocolates? My eyes must be deceiving me.”

“Oh, they’re right there,” Jon says, pointing. “Do you need help carrying any?”

“No, not at all,” Simon waves him off. “Though I do appreciate the offer.”

Simon takes the chocolate but is distracted by Jon’s table again.

“What’s this, dear boy?” he asks. “Is that a macaroon base?”

“Yes, actually.” The normally prickly Jon looks pleased. “They’re one of my strengths, so I thought I might throw it in.”

“Impressive, impressive,” Simon says with a nod. Then he slowly meanders his way back to the front, where he makes a joke to Mike, which sets the other man off laughing.

“I think Simon thinks he has everyone fooled,” Martin says when the camera cuts to his interview. “But this is a competition. I don’t know what sort of game he’s playing, but I know there is one.”

Not everyone is having a grand old time, however. Tim, who’s already twelve minutes behind, is struggling to get his cake to sit properly. He’s making frustrated noises which signal Michael to come over.

“Anything, I can do to help, Tim?” Michael asks.

Tim shakes his head. “There’s no saving this.”

“Nonsense,” Michael says. “Even if it doesn’t look pretty, I’m sure they’ll love the taste.”

Tim takes a deep, steadying breath, but he still looks visibly upset. “Let’s hope so.”

Before long, it’s time for the bakes to be judged. Tim looks to be on the verge of tears when time is called, but everyone else is just as stressed. Everyone, that is, except Simon.

The tasting goes well--even Tim gets complimented on his sponges--until it gets to Simon. 

Elias and Gertrude keep looking from Simon’s cake to Simon himself and back. There’s a long, awkward pause.

“The Italian meringue is...a choice,” Elias finally says. 

“Although, we  _ were _ looking for some chocolate work here,” Gertrude points out.

“Let’s have a taste, shall we?” Elias says.

The tasting goes just as terribly. Simon’s cake is nearly inedible. During the tasting, though, Simon looks nothing but polite. He seems unfazed by their harsh critique.

In the end, the results are no surprise. Oliver wins Star Baker with his technically perfect and simply designed bakes. And Simon...somehow still manages to look confused when he gets sent home. Nearly everyone gives him a hug and laughs with him as the show cuts away to the last interviews.

“I’m just delighted to have been here,” Simon is saying. “It was a wonderful week.”

“Simon was…” Jon huffs out the smallest laugh. “Simon was a character. I’m sure he’ll be missed.”

“Maybe I misjudged him,” Martin admits. “Maybe I misjudged him.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have the full fic plotted out, I just need to write it. Expect a weekly-ish posting schedule!


End file.
